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Late-night hosts speculated on Donald Trump’s mystery “present” from Iran, as well as his delusions about a war he claims the US is not in.

Seth Meyers

On Wednesday’s Late Night, Seth Meyers reminded viewers, once again, that Donald Trump “promised no more wars in the Middle East” before his recent military strikes on Iran.

“But you guys, good news! It’s not a war,” he joked. Instead, according to Trump, it’s an “excursion” or “a little journey” in Iran. “Stop calling it an excursion!” Meyers exclaimed. “An excursion is a vacation, which no one can afford because gas is so fucking expensive. Also, an excursion doesn’t last three weeks! An excursion is one week, max. The only people who go on excursions for three weeks are rich kids who claim they’re backpacking through Europe but then post a photo from the Ritz in Barcelona.”

“Trump can’t tell us what the goal of the war is, or how long it will last, or when it will end,” he added. “One minute he says he’s talking to Iran, the next minute Iran says they’re not talking to Trump. One breath he’s sending more troops, the next he’s offering a peace deal. One day he’s threatening to obliterate Iran’s power plants, the next he’s saying stuff” about an alleged “present” from the country’s leaders. “They gave us a present, and the present arrived today,” Trump vaguely teased reporters this week. “A very big present worth a tremendous amount of money.”

“Seriously, what – and I say this with all due respect – the fuck are you talking about?” Meyers wondered. “I mean not only will he not tell the us the present they gave him, he doesn’t even seem to be clear on who ‘they’ are.”

“Who is ‘they’?!” he asked after even more clips of Trump dithering on the gift givers. “What do you mean you don’t know and he’s a ‘top person’ and they ‘seem to be running it’? Is the president getting catfished?”

Jimmy Kimmel

On Jimmy Kimmel Live!, the host celebrated the win of Democrat Emily Gregory in a special Florida state election which flipped Trump’s Mar-a-Lago district blue for the first time in years. It’s “a real kick in the golf balls for Mar-a-Lardo”, Kimmel said, laughing. “Let’s just say there are a lot of tiny fist-sized holes getting punched in the White House drywall today.”

On Monday, Trump offered his “complete and total endorsement” to Gregory’s Republican opponent, Jon Maples, because “Jon will never let you down!”

“And he’s right, he won’t – because he’s back to work as a financial planner. He lost the race,” said Kimmel. “The idea that Trump voted by mail at the same time he tried to ram this ‘save my fat orange ass’ act through Congress right now, which is a bill that would do away with mail-in ballots, has put leaders in the GOP in a bit of a pickle.”

Asked about “this latest act of brazen hypocrisy”, Mike Johnson, the Republican speaker of the House, attempted to sidestep. “I think some states have handled mail-in voting well,” he said. “I think Florida is a good example of that. They don’t allow fraud, they’ve got great systems. That is not true in other parts of the country,” like California.

“Listen, I’ve lived in both states,” said Kimmel, “and the only thing Florida does better is get manatees addicted to meth, all right? If you’re looking to buy a hot dog from a woman in a G-string, Florida is the place you want to be.”

The host then touched on reports that Pentagon officials provided Trump with daily “sizzle reels” of military strikes in Iran to boost his mood. “Just step back and think about this: every day, they’re bringing him these fun little action movies of us blowing stuff up,” Kimmel fumed. “Everyone’s telling him how great he’s doing. He’s got four whole cable networks dedicated to kissing his ass 24/7. His staff is terrified to ever bring him any bad news, and he has the memory of a worm at the bottom of a bottle of mezcal. And this is the man in charge of sending our children to war – at least the ones whose dads don’t have a good podiatrist to get them out of it.”

“Our own government is making war propaganda videos for the person running the war,” he concluded. “Even Kim Jong-un is like, ‘That’s a bit much!’”

The Daily Show

And on The Daily Show, Josh Johnson evaluated Trump’s claim that the US had won the war in Iran. Or, as Trump put it: “You know, I don’t like to say this, we’ve won this. This war has been won.”

“You don’t like to say you’ve won a war?” said a confused Johnson. “Isn’t that why you fight a war? Be proud of yourself, Mr President, you ended another war! And this is the one that you started! That’s like double points, you know?”

Iran state media, on the other hand, reported that Tehran will not accept a ceasefire and will end the war “when it decides to do so and when its own conditions are met”.

“Whoa, you can’t end the war – we ended the war!” Johnson joked. “Are you trying to start another war? ’Cause I’ll fight you, and then I’ll stop fighting you when I feel like it, cause the war is over. You heard the president – we won, we’re bringing the troops home!”

Except, actually, for the more than 1,000 additional troops are now headed to the Middle East, joining thousands more already on their way. “Oh shit. We’re sending more troops? That doesn’t sound like the war is over,” Johnson noted. “This is very confusing. Should I or shouldn’t I go to Times Square in my sailor outfit to kiss random women?”

The army also just raised its maximum recruitment age to 42, up from 35, in an effort to draw more recruits. “Oh shit. We’re letting 42-year-olds sign up for the military now? They’re going to have to change the name from Operation Epic Fury to Operation Why Does My Back Hurt?” Johnson quipped.